after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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