oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
