seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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