A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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