I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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