I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
