these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
