just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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