apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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