i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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