last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wish there were birth control emojis
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
