I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
