seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
