Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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