I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
