And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
