I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
