my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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