Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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