He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
