My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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