i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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