I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
