Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
