im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
