Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
