I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
