Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
