Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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