my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
