i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
