my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
