There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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