Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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