dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
