ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
These tits shall not be calmed
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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