She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
