I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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