hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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