i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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