I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
