I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
