I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
