saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
