Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
