I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
