The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
