Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
