I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Omg I joined a choir last night...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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