i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
